Silencing The Critic

Why you should pay attention to the conversations you have with yourself

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Growing up a deeply religious person, I was taught early on that the cardinal principle of my faith was to love my neighbor as myself. I understood this to mean that love for myself was a given and that God simply demanded that I try to love others around me just as much. This was the minimum requirement. I was also taught that generally the ‘self’ was “bad” and needed to “die”. So today, when I hear self-love, I balk. I know my theology is probably wonky, but I’m going somewhere with this.

I don’t know where I learned the habit, but I have observed my tendency towards very negative self-talk. At first, I chalked it up to constant self-reflection and assessment. But I have now realized that the chatter never stops. It is a continuous stream of assessment and judgment resulting often in shame and beating myself up over something bad I shouldn’t have done or something good I could have done better. I do not believe this is love. I don’t have any neighbors that I constantly judge and berate. If the love I have for myself is to be the minimum standard I should have for others, I’m afraid almost nobody will stick around for such.

So what do I do? If you’re like me, what do you do? I looked and asked around and there were a few recurring themes.

1. Recognize that you have negative inner conversations. Identify that fine line between reflection and judgment…between awareness and condemnation. Some even say to give the inner voice a name. I call mine Mr. Hyde. Not sure why, but it fits.
2. Listen and engage - this bit I find a bit difficult. The hallmark of any good relationship (including one with yourself) is good communication. This covers the ability to talk about really difficult stuff without judgment. This also subtly emphasizes that the voice in your head is not you. What it says doesn’t have to be binding
3. Have a counter-narrative. Whether the articles of your faith or self-motivation. You need to have an opposing view. Not idealistic gas meant to puff you up and create a false sense of self, but perspective. Putting your abilities and failures in the proper context.
4. Build some rituals or routines. Prayer, meditation, journaling to name a few…routines help to anchor our sense of identity. There’s more, I merely listed those I’ve tried.
5. Community: because nobody can do it alone. We sometimes enlist the help of mutual friends to mend things with a loved one. I think similar principles apply here.

I don’t reckon that this will be easy for anyone who is dealing with it, but it is worth a shot. With some patience and persistence, we can get better. It is not easy to overturn a lifetime of habits, but it is certainly possible.

Reflection Questions?

1. How do you feel about self-love? What role do you think it plays in our health and development?
2. Do you deal with negative self-talk?
3. Which one of the themes for addressing negative self-talk listed above resonates the most with you and why?